


White Diamond the Great and Powerful

by unoriginalHandle



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Crack, Fan theory, Gen, Humor, I don't actually believe this theory, dumb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-24
Updated: 2018-08-24
Packaged: 2019-07-01 22:39:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15783555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unoriginalHandle/pseuds/unoriginalHandle
Summary: In which we find out there's a very good reason why White Diamond is 95% unanimated background elements.





	White Diamond the Great and Powerful

**Author's Note:**

> This is a one-shot for now. I may make this into a full-fledged fic later on, but I've got ideas for multiple other stories and I'm struggling to manage them, so this is it for now.

Steven and White Pearl drifted in their opaque white bubble, to where, Steven did not know. He didn't know what to expect when they arrived wherever they were going, but since White Diamond was involved, he was nervous all the same. He hoped the others would stay safe at the ship.

The bubble suddenly popped and a bright light filled Steven's vision. White Pearl hovered backwards through the wall and disappeared, but suddenly Steven heard her voice in front of him, booming.

"Pink! There you are!"

Steven looked at the source of the light and voice. A gargantuan woman stood in front of him, arms uplifted and almost totally motionless. Glassy white eyes gazed down at him from a face that seemed frozen in a perfectly serene smile. 

White Diamond.

Steven stepped forward. The bright light kept him from focusing too hard on her, but he swore that he saw a network of wires connected to her body, serving some unknown purpose. White Diamond kept speaking, not changing her expression or moving any part of her but her face.

"Hello, Starlight. You certainly gave everyone a scare. They're all just thrilled to see you safe and sound."

Suddenly, though, White's expression changed. Her left eye began twitching, and her lips pressed together, and her jaw began shifting like she was chewing something. Steven wondered if she was angry.

"White, are you alri-"

"As for this little game of yours," said White, lips not quite lining up with her words. "Thank the stars it's over. Did you have fun? Did you get everything out of your system?"

She smiled through the twitching, and plumes of smoke began drifting out of her open mouth. Steven swore he saw flashes of light popping on and off behind her shiny teeth.

"White, are you smoking?" asked Steven.

"...beg pardon?"

"I didn't know Gems smoked. Or can you breathe fire like Alexandrite? Please, I know we have our differences, but don't -"

"Oh, would you look at the time!" exclaimed White, belching smoke with every word. "It's getting late. It's such a long way from Earth, you must be quite exhausted. We should put you in your room to rest. You have such a delicate constitution, Pink, and we don't want you getting shocked."

White smiled and then her face burst into flame. 

Steven began screaming as White's face began to melt and slough off her skull. Steven backed away from her, but then he felt a solid strike hit the back of his neck, and he knew no more.

White Pearl caught him before he hit the floor. She glared up at White Diamond's head, engulfed in flame. She sighed and turned around back towards the small control room she had just left. She put Steven over her shoulder so she could have a hand free. Moving to the control console, she moved the microphone out of her way and pulled a large red control switch.

The ambient music of the royal accordion deflated on a sour note as the room was plunged into darkness. White's body stopped glowing, and the only source of light was her smoking head. Without the light obscuring people's vision, the giant animatronic was laughably obvious. 

A whimpering sound came from above, and a gray Aquamarine came flying down from the ceiling. She floated down to White Pearl and began panicking.

"What happened?!" she said. "All these years, we've never had any trouble from the robot, and now - "

"What happened," said White Pearl. "Is that Peridot DM-5 has obviously been exaggerating how much work she's put into maintaining the machine. We should be smelling coolant right now, and we're not. You run a robot stuffed with that much lighting without a working cooling system and you get... _this_." 

"White Diamond"'s jaw fell off and clattered to the floor to punctuate Pearl's point. Aquamarine EB-7 ran her fingers through her hair, trying to calm herself. 

"It's over. It's all over! She saw the malfunction, and now White Diamond can't explain herself because we _don't have a working avatar to conduct Imperial business with!_ " ranted EB-7. "We have to alert the others and leave immediately. We're fugitives now. Why, oh why didn't I prepare a bug-out bag?! Stupid, stupid, stupid - "

EB-7 began hitting herself on the head, but White Pearl put her free hand on her shoulder. "Hey, hey, hey, cut that out!" she said. "You are  _not_  stupid, and this is  _not_  over. We can get a replacement animatronic installed before anyone notices, as long as we play our cards right and we _do not panic._  All Pink saw was a very angry Gem goddess, and then she fainted in terror and cracked her head on the floor. That's what I'll tell her once you put her up in her room." 

EB-7 rubbed tears from her eyes. "Do you really think we can salvage this?"

"I  _know_  we can. Put Pink up in her room, then call the others, tell them we have a mandatory meeting at the usual spot. I'll run interference if Yellow and Blue start asking questions. Now get her back to her room before she wakes up."

White shouldered Steven off, and let one of EB-7's white bubbles catch him. The Aquamarine flew off, looking somewhat relieved, bubble following behind her. White Pearl made sure she looked confident while EB was still in the room, but once she left, she deflated with a sigh. 

White Pearl walked over to the Diamond robot and sat down on her big toe. She cradled her chin with her hands and started thinking. She wasn't lying, she thought. It was totally possible to get a new Diamond up and running before anyone made a problem of it. It would just be really, really hard. But she was up to the task. After all, White Pearl was the true queen of the Diamond Authority (or at least one sixth of the controlling interest of said queen.)

After all, White Pearl was the greatest con artist in Gem history. 


End file.
